mother's day ramblings

'A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.'  Proverbs 31:10

My father-in-law text me this verse this morning as Mother Day approaches.  And I so appreciated it.  But I really don't care for honoring myself on Mother's Day.  Typically, I try to make it like any other day because I don't feel like I need a day of recognition set aside for me.  I am extremely grateful to be a mom.  It's the best, most hardest thing I've ever done!  And in all honesty, many times I feel I'm failing.  Or drowning.  And then I read this and sarcastically think, 'Right on, King 'Lemuel'.  Who can find this kind of woman?'  (PS: the noun for wife her is translated as woman, wife, female.)  Can this type of woman even be found?!

According to Strong's concordance, virtuous/noble in hebrew/greek is 'chayil'.  A masculine noun.  And I was surprised to learn that 'chayil' is translated: a force, an army, wealth, virtue, valor, strength, might, power, riches, strong, substance, valiant, virtuous, worthy.  Who can find a woman who is truly noble:....?

So this is the typical Mother's Day for me in the last 10 years of being a mom: 

Wake up. Try to ignore that I'll be glorified for being a mom.  Try to stay humble.  Husband/kids wake up.  Makes mom feel special.  Mom begins to feel exceptional.  Mom begins to be prideful.  Church stands and applauds said mom.  Mom tears because yes, mom is pretty special.  Receive hand-made gifts from children. Mom is elated!  Mom thinks fondly of them and herself. Children/husband do their best to cook and clean up for mom. How sweet, mom thinks. Mom finishes the job properly, but with some unexpected reluctance because this is her day. Did the family forget?  Mom decides to lounge and nap.  Children tantalize her while husband enjoys nap.  Mom gets irritated... this is her day that's all about her!  What is wrong with children and father.  Offspring begin complaints of starvation at 2:00.  Mom begins to speak between clenched teeth to get a healthy snack - no, get whatever the heck they want.  Dinnertime, entire household needs to eat- again.  Mom's very special day that's supposed to be perfect and easy for her is ruined as she has to make dinner arrangements. No help cleaning up this time. Kitchen clean, mom mad. Kids demand bedtime snack. Argues with children to get ready for bed. Half-heartedly kisses kids goodnight. Sits on couch.  Instantly feels agitated about how much she really messed this day up.  Mom guilt sets in.  She's a failure.  Another Mother's Day that she has ruined.  Prays family won't remember this day or to honor her the following year.

True. Story.

My mind keeps going back to John 21 where Jesus reinstates Peter.  Peter had previously made big claims that he would never deny Christ!  In fact, he said he'd die for Jesus (Mark 14:31).  Peter publicly rejects Jesus' words and led the others to make similar proud vows.  After slashing off a soldier's ear in the garden (Matt. 26:51... pride comes before the fall), he denies being a follower of Jesus to a servant girl! (John 18:17... he cowers).  In John 21:15, Jesus has a conversation with Peter.  Peter had sinned publicly and as a leader of the apostles, he needed public rebuke and restoration.  I don't usually resonate with Peter as he is the bold, impulsive leader-type.  But since studying this, I've been convicted.  I am a leader in my role as mom.  And I have been prideful and have abused my authority as well.

Being a woman is HARD.  Being a wife is HARD.  Being a mom is HARD!  If you are also one of these things, maybe you'd agree!  In a culture that encourages perfection or at least feigning it, it isn't helpful when you're reminded of your natural tendencies to fail.

Peter realized that he was a mess.  He once relied on his own strength and merits.  Then he failed.  But in failing, he is met with his weakness... and Jesus' love for him meets him there.  Once Peter is humbled, he is able to serve.  He is now qualified to lead.  He is no longer prideful.  Only Jesus can give us the strength we need to lead humbly. Peter goes on to preach and lead a flock to Jesus.  And the books he wrote in the Bible continue to lead people to Christ.  What changed?  Peter got humble!  Peter received the Holy Spirit. Peter relies on Jesus' strength. And just like Peter agreed to do (die for Jesus), and Jesus affirmed would happen (John 21:18), Peter goes on to be crucified!  When Peter got humble and dependent, the Holy Spirit could accomplish an incredible legacy!  

Who doesn't want an incredible legacy?  But it's not Peter's own. It was Jesus' work through him. So bringing this back to Proverbs 31....  I guess when I read the verse, 'A woman of noble character who can find', I settle on the fact that she doesn't actually exist.  At least not on her own account.  If noble means a force, an army, wealth, virtue, valor, strength, might, power, riches, strong, substance, valiant, virtuous, worthy.... that is not what any of us can claim to have.  Only Jesus has those qualities.  But guess what?!  I have Jesus!!!  He is at the very core of who I am.  I can tap into these resources and display these qualities.  But all glory to Him and only Him!  Don't you find it funny now that the noun 'noble' is a Masculine One in this verse when referring to a woman?!  We alone as women can not take credit for these qualities expressed in this Proverb.  But we can hold to it as we rely on Jesus to sustain us.  We are not an army, but we belong to one!  We are not wealthy, we are poor.  But He is rich and we are His heirs!  We are not full of virtue, we are human and immoral.  Only brought to holiness through Jesus.  We are weak, but have the same resurrecting power only because of Jesus equipping us.  And we are certainly not worthy.  Jesus alone is worthy.  (Rev 4:11, 5:9, 5:12)  Only Jesus can receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise.  So I guess what I'm finding is that these qualities can only come from having a dependence on the Holy Spirit knowing that we will never do a perfect job this side of heaven.  But 'He who began a good work in you [me] will be faithful to complete it' (Philippians 1:6).  And one thing we can be is a 'Woman who fears the Lord' (Proverbs 31:30).  I don't contradict the Word that she 'that fears the Lord should be praised'.  That is most definitely praiseworthy.  But a woman who fears the Lord will reflect that praise back to The One who is of noble character.  The only One.  No more pride in Mother's Day and no more shame, either.  But constant dependence on the Holy Spirit to accomplish these things in her life.  My life. 

MINE!

I love to reflect and analyze.  Sometimes, it's not the very best thing for me because I can get stuck in that place whether it's something of a victory or a failure.  But today being the last day of 2015, I will reflect on things.

Overall, it was a great year.  Here we all are, our family of six.  We've stayed alive, we've been healthy, all of our needs have been met and many desires as well.  If we have been lacking in anything, it's been our own fault.  We have SO much to be thankful for!

This morning, my devotions were based on one 'little' word: mine.  It's actually quite a big word!  What comes to your mind when you think 'mine'?!  Some of what comes to my mind is family, relationships, work, careers, free time....

What didn't come to mind, unfortunately, was God.

When Jesus came to earth, He laid aside everything!  His glory, His possessions, His comfort, His rights.  Even, occasionally, His opinions.  He laid aside His body and He even gave up His life!!

But something that He did not, WOULD not, give up was His right to call God his Father.

And that is the only thing that I can rightfully call MINE!  Everything else is HIS!  And rightfully so.  He loves my kids even more than I do.  They are HIS and he can take better care of them than we can!  He is concerned with my relationships even more so than I am.  He is mindful of our work, careers, finances.... it's all His and He works for our good.  He is aware of our desires; He wants us to experience joy that only He can give!  He has ownership and control over it all. The only thing that I can claim as MINE is God as my Father.  That is a constant.  Nothing can take that away from me (Romans 8:38-39).

Beth Moore has a great way of stating this: 'In the midst of so much we cannot have, God says to His children, 'Forsake lesser things and have as much as you want of Me.' Remember John 3:34 says that God gives His Spirit without measure.  While God is the owner and possessor of all things, He freely invites us to be as possessive over Him as we desire.  He is my God.  And your God.  He's the only thing we can share lavishly without ever lessening our own supply.'  Isn't that brilliant?!!

So in light of being an adopted child of God (Romans 8:14-17), I hope that will change my perspective during 2016.

I am selfish!  I have a tight grip on my husband, my kids, my life and my happiness.  But just as Jesus did, I need to lay down these things and cling to the one thing that is mine that will never change: God as my Father, Christ as my Savior, and the Holy Spirit as my Advocate.

I don't know how exactly, but I hope that I can carry on with this concept of what is truly mine in the next year.  I hope that I'll be reminded of this when I'm feeling selfish.  When I inwardly or outwardly insist on what I want, what I think I need, when I can't think clearly because I'm so caught up in MYSELF!  I hope and pray today that I can be caught up in God!  God leading and directing me as wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, servant.... No matter what 2016 may hold.  No matter what I may have to 'give up' that wasn't mine in the first place.

On a previous 'reflection post' of the New Year, I wanted to be more intentional.  Being intentional is so important because if we aren't, things can slip.  Well this year, I hope I can intentionally remember that God is mine and He will give as much of Himself to me as I want.  And that offer is good for anyone that will accept Him and I should be making that known!  I know that myself and others could definitely use more of His power and authority and love and grace in my life every. single. day.

So here's to a Happy New Year of un-apologetically claiming God as my Father!

(If you haven't taken the step in your life to call God your own Father, message me or someone you know that can help you take that step!  It'll be the best thing you will ever do!  If He isn't yours yet, then the sad truth is you have nothing to call 'mine'.  Struggle with this and make a decision to follow Christ!  John 14:6)

on the throne!

I have the absolute privilege to be reading through Revelations with Bible Study Fellowship!  We study the word in depth, get to discuss and share, and then hear an incredible lecture!  It is SO GOOD for this girl's soul!  And you can read it to!  The hearer of the words of Revelations and the one who takes it's words to heart will receive a blessing!  That is a promise!  That is Truth!

This morning I've just read something for the second time that really hits home.  I read it a few days ago, we briefly discussed it, and now I'm re-reading it with sweet tears!  To the church in Laodicea (Rev 3:14) Jesus gives strong words of warning and compassion to the complacent church.  It sounds like a church in modern-day America... wealthy and satisfied but lacking spiritual riches and sacrifice.  He earnestly desires the church to open their doors to Him.  And He has a reward for them if they do.  Do you know what it is?  I don't ever remember reading this and I am blown away by the offer!

"To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne." Rev. 3:21


Wait, I can sit with Jesus on His throne?!!?!?!?!?!?!


The first time I read this, I smiled!  That is the best reward that he has offered yet!  (Read the letters and the rewards included to the other churches, they're pretty great too!)  But this morning as I read this, I cry!

Jesus has reserved this piece of scripture for me and He has saved the best for last!  And I am humbled by it!  You see, I know that back when Jesus spoke these words to the Laodiceans, He also knew that some 2000 years later, a broken daughter would read these words and it would fill the void!

My dad and I have not spoken words to each other in three years.  And the words spoken before that were not life-giving.  I am not pointing fingers but I know that at this time, the best thing I can do for our family is to remain unconnected.  I have peace in my heart with that decision as it has been made clear to me.  Once he is ready to come to us, we will welcome him with arms stretched open as wide as ever and we will embrace him like never before!!

But my Heavenly Father sees into my broken heart.  He knows....  He's seen.....  He's come to meet me in a divine way and the descriptions in the Word of who my Heavenly Father is real, believe me.  Believe Him that He is who He says He is!

Our family owned a recliner.  And we all knew that when dad got home, that sacred recliner was his!  He would not sit on the sofa, he enjoyed lounging in that recliner:)  But for as far back as I can remember, I would curl up to him on that recliner!  It was my favorite place to be!  There we would lounge together and it was as close as I could ever get to him though never close enough.  We would nap together, watch tv together, laugh at the dog together.  I think I probably was too old when I still made a habit of getting on that recliner with him.  But I couldn't help myself.

The years have passed and I long for his embrace.  For his arms to hold me.  I wish I could go back to the days of the shared recliner. But I fear that this side of heaven, it won't come.  That that was as close as I'll have ever been to my dad.  Not just physically but emotionally.

Then Jesus promises me that I can share HIS throne.

(Cue the tears)

I will do everything I can in this life to earn that reward!  I'm not talking about eternal life that is freely given but the special rewards that we can store away for our heavenly home.

I want so desperately to lounge with Jesus on His throne with Him.  I want to be close to him.  To feel his physical arms tighten around me.  And our heads close together.  I want to feel him breathe.  To be close enough to him to feel his laugh!  I don't typically imagine that a throne is the most comfortable chair but I think Jesus' throne will be!  I don't care that I am on a throne, it may as well be a recliner in a small living room with just the two of us.  What moves me when I read this is that I can be that close to my Savior.  The One who has dried all of those tears concerning the distance between my earthly father and myself.  And I'm going to let that motivate me onward to receive that reward!!  How sweet it will be!

So how?!  In a nutshell, I believe that it will be possible by turning from all of the negative qualities this church was in its being: self-sufficient, blinded by their wealth and thus spiritually poor, without passion, without sorrow for their unsaved neighbors, arrogantly independent, indifferent to Jesus, and useless... these qualities mostly all due to their complacency.  I want to be the polar opposite of these characteristics!  I want to get as close as I can to Jesus!

I share this post for my own children to someday read.  So that their pursuit of Jesus will be urgent!  I share it to come back to for myself to remember what is at stake!  I share it in the hopes that you, if you're a Christian, would be spurred on to fight the good fight.  And I share it for the unbeliever who may stumble across these words and in the hope that they would surrender their lives to Jesus!  Above all, I share it to glorify my Father who gives us these divine and undeserved gifts and promises.  He is worthy of all the glory!  And I'm forever thankful!

living holistically

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

What's really important?  That the kids are bathed, clothed, and fed.  That my marriage is flourishing.  That the toilets are cleaned, again.  That there are clean dishes to eat off from.  That we go grocery shopping.  That we work.  That we have family time.  That we have devotions.

Yes!  These things are ALL important!  All essentials to living life properly.  So why do I feel like I'm upside-down with my priorities again?!  There is a constant juggle in our home of things that must get done: quality time with Jesus and family and then work and chores.  It sounds cut and dry when I put it that way and yet, here I am facing this same struggle yet again!

I think it becomes a struggle when I'm not living holistically: having deep conversations while playing, praying while I'm getting things done.... I'm very one-track-minded lately, I do the dishes but my mind is distant from the kids all around me.  Devotions are hurried since it's already way past bedtime.  The only time for my work is when Jordan and I join each other on the couch at night.  I'm having a hard time multi-tasking lately and I think it's because I so fully want to enjoy what time is left of summer before the kids go back but some to-dos are getting neglected.  Like deep, quality time with my Savior.  And I can feel that that critical 'something' is amiss.  If I'm not living holistically each day, I can feel the absence of His presence and it negatively affects me.

I read this from 'Jesus Calling' this morning: 'In this action-addicted world, few of My children take time to sit quietly in My Presence.'  God wants us to 'bring [Him] the sacrifice of [our] time.'  I guess the keyword that sticks out to me in this phrase is to 'sit quietly'.  Not only if we have the extra time, not hurriedly, not in our distracted thoughts.  But taking time... to sit... in His Presence.  This isn't the only way we can experience His Presence, by sitting, but I think it speaks specifically to me today because when I am standing, I am moving, I am accomplishing.  I am doing things that might distract me from seeking God.  But if I'm sitting with nothing else in front of me, I am more likely to be able to focus solely on my Maker.

I  turned to James 1:5 after reading this: 'If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.'  And I discovered what I need: wisdom!  It's not rocket science, I realize that!  But once again, I need to ask for wisdom on how to prioritize, how to multi-task, how to live in His presence the entire day.  And I think it takes some intentional time throughout the day to sit and get a glimpse of His Presence once again.

I thought of the old song, 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing'.  And along with praying for wisdom, my prayer is that the Holy Spirit would 'bind my wandering heart to Thee'.  It's fitting because my mind wanders all day long.  I can't be holistic if my mind isn't attuned to Christ.  So I hope to bring my heart and mind back to God today, over and over; to carve out time throughout the day to sit and allow His Presence to saturate me; and to then be able to take the Holy Spirit and infuse the rest of my day with evidence of His Presence, living holistically and making every moment, big and small, count.

complete joy

I've been seeing articles all over facebook about 9 year old Lola who needs a bone marrow transplant to survive leukemia.  It is heart wrenching to think about what this family must be going through.  And then this morning I read about how our Joy is complete in the Lord.  I'm convicted.  If it were one of my children suffering from leukemia, would my joy be complete in the Lord?  Heart check!!  Is it complete in the Lord without suffering even?!  I find sometimes that I am so ungrateful.  The kids get out of bed for the umpteenth time and I get annoyed.  Milk gets spilled all over my freshly scrubbed floor.  There's a minor misunderstanding that gets blown into obvious irritability with each other.  These are my sufferings... but they aren't sufferings at all and I can't even deal with those!!  I don't always have a joyful, contented spirit in these very mild situations.  How would I 'deal' with actual suffering.  And what is my joy based on?  Circumstances... or Jesus!

But I know that complete joy in the Lord is possible.  Jesus has died for all of our sufferings, each and every one and no matter how big or small.  The price has been paid.  The sorrow of sin and death has been nailed to that cross.  And we are victors with our risen Lord and Savior if we believe in Him.  And eternal joy and hope is ours!!!  We can face the struggles of this day and each one that lies ahead in our future because of our hope and trust in Jesus.  No matter what!  We can know that He is good and sovereign no matter the outcome!

I would much rather put my sorrow on that cross and live in joyful expectation than to grumble and complain.  And if I should be given something that seems absolutely unbearable, I hope that I will trust in the One who made Joy available and accessible through anything I might go through.

And I hope that I don't just worry about what our little family might go through, but that I would have God's eyes and heart and see and feel with everything in me what others are going through, His family.  And that I might reach out and share the hope of Jesus with them so that their joy may be complete in spite of what they're going through.

I've had this reminder/conviction before!  You can read it here.

Love Came Down

Eleven years ago, I started working at a factory.  It was a bit of an eye-opener for this sheltered high school graduate.  Many people would slack on the job, texting and making phone calls, outright dishonesty until they would see the boss man walking our way and then they'd quickly get back to work.  Or if they weren't the type to only work when someone was watching, they were running their mouths even faster than the speed of their hands, usually gossiping about co-workers.  I learned who was sleeping with who and I even saw a married woman kiss a man that wasn't her husband at shift change every single morning.  I worked with her husband here and there and learned that he was actually open to that kind of lifestyle.  I had date requests even when the guys knew that I was dating and then engaged.  But I made friends there, people I grew to care deeply for.

And there was a lady that I especially loved to talk with.  We just always hit it off.  She could be completely honest with me and she shared a lot of what she was going through with me.  But always with a hint of humor at herself.  The humor was to cover up how completely broken she was.  And with this lady, we often times talked about religion.  She would admit that she believed in God but the thought of there being a Jesus, and a need for his gruesome death, and the reality that you can't get to Heaven on your own was not something she could believe easily.  But still, we talked about it all the time.  And I knew that she so desperately needed a Savior.  She was one of the first people that I really remember witnessing to, more than just mentioning that 'yes, I'm a believer and you should be one too', but instead really trying to get her to see how we need Him, the repercussions of our sin, and the hope of eternal life.  I think what was encouraging was that she asked questions, she seemed interested, and she respected my faith.  I guess it only got easier because she was open.  And I was hopeful that this searching she was doing (even though she didn't see it in herself that she was searching!) would amount to her giving her life to Jesus.  I continued to work at this factory for 4 years.  Same people, same conversations, but a constant spiral downhill for them, some faster than others.  It seems like the people that resisted it at first would resist it more as time went on.  But for this one particular lady, even though her struggles spiraled out of control, she was still open to talking about the gospel in the fewer and farther between times that we got to work together.  I was so hopeful.

The day before I had our first baby was my last day at the job.  And I have always regretted not having had as many deep conversations with all of the others that I came in contact with.  If they weren't open to it, I let them off the hook!

I went years without seeing this conflicted woman that I had had so many conversations with.  By the end of my four years at this job, we hardly ever worked in the same area.  But I was told by others that she was out of control.

And then one day, at least 5 years later after I had quit and never returned, she called for a massage!  I was so excited to catch up with her again and we picked up right where we left off.  In fact, she had moved into our neighborhood!  I asked her how she was and she sounded better.  Her husband had stuck by her side all of these years but she was still struggling with depression.  I asked her about her faith and she shared that she's been going to church.  I'm pretty sure she was rolling her eyes when I asked and I think she was hoping for her 'church goer' label to pacify me.  But I knew there hadn't been a commitment to Christ.  Over the last couple of years now, she has come for a massage here and there and it's that same story: 'I go to church now'.

AND THEN!  Last night she came for a massage and when she walked through the door it was obvious that something was different.  She was excited to share with me that her 9 year old daughter had been baptized!!  She was thrilled and she showed me the pictures.  I was so excited!  And then once she was lying on my table and the lights were dimmed, she said she had some other great news: she had accepted Jesus too!!!!!  She was so excited and joyful!  She had never been able to talk about Jesus without sarcasm but that was now replaced with JOY!  She told me that she had decided to give up alcohol and the next night she had a dream.  She was going into church but everything in her was against going.  She sat alone and darkness surrounded her.  She ignored it.  She felt demons and the devil around her, still she refused to acknowledge it.  Suddenly she was on the top of the church and satan was pulling at her leg.  She looked up and saw Jesus coming down to her in a bright light.  Uncomfortable, she looked away.  But when she looked again, He was still coming!  So she raised her hand and in that dream, she accepted Jesus into her heart!  He provided a ladder for her to get down and she was saved.  She woke up a new person!!  Since then she has been at peace.  She also prayed for the Holy Spirit to come into her and she released sobs as He filled her!  I keep thinking about the song with the phrase, 'Love came down and rescued me, Love came down and set me free, now I am Yours, I am forever Yours.'  This is her testimony!!

She has had an influential woman in her life that has helped her along the way and now she is anxious to start studying and learning how to pray.  She said that she knows that Christ chose her even when she looked away from him in her dream. He still kept coming for her.  She said that she thinks she had to have that dream or she never would have believed.

Isn't that beautiful?!  I shared with her that I have continued to pray for her all of these years!  And she is a changed woman!!

God is so good!  It's a reminder to me that I was lost and I am lost when I'm not keeping my eyes on Jesus.  And that while we turn from him, reject Him or even despise Him, He is still reaching out to us!  No matter how wretched, unholy, mean, disobedient, _______ I am, He will never be out of reach.  I was so blessed to hear my friend's story and to immediately recognize how it has changed her!  We hugged as she left as sisters in Christ!  And she brought it up that she's part of the family now!  I can't wait to see how God will use her now!  And how her story will bless others!  Praise the Lord!!

fasting for justice

I had a thought the other night as I was praying before going to sleep.  I was praying about my day, where I need help and forgiveness and then for requests for all of us.  And just like that, a question popped in my head:  'What was your day like, God?'  And I started to imagine all the places where God saw brokenness.

I imagined helpless children, hungry, cold, scared, sad.  Children collecting garbage from dumps, inhaling paint thinner for a high, kids being abused- physically, mentally, sexually.  Kids that were no longer innocent and ignorant, kids that know evil unlike any knowledge I have of evil.

I also imagined mothers.  Mothers that were helpless to do anything for their children. Mothers who had lost their child(ren).  Mothers that are addicted.  That are mentally unstable.  That are too depressed to take care of themselves and their children.  Mothers that have remorse and guilt over an abortion.  And mothers that are abused- physically, mentally, sexually. Mothers that have had to go to extreme measures to take care of and provide for their family.

And then women, then fathers.  And then brokenness in families and in churches.  All of the injustices.  Everywhere.

It was and is completely humbling to me.  While I am asking for this and that concerning my nearly perfect little life, someone is crying out to God about something major.  Someone is doubtful that He exists and they are going through their pain alone.  Kids and adults that don't know anything about God and are therefore hopeless.  They are taken advantage of and are stuck in an identity of worthlessness.  It made me want to approach the throne for their injustices instead of my own selfish requests.  And it was humbling to me that God hears me when there is crying and screaming that fills God's ears every second of every day since nearly the beginning of time!  And there is the sound of silence that God hears and feels when someone gives up.  When someone barricades their self and their soul from ever getting harmed again.  And they give up on God.  God sees, hears, and feels this without relief and yet he listens to my prayers.  And he blesses me.  I have done nothing on my own to deserve this 'easy' life.  I could be that child- cold, hungry, alone, scared.  Or that mother- desperate, depressed, degraded.  And yet, I live with a sense of entitlement.  I sigh or grumble when the most minor thing happens.

I don't believe that my prayers have been exactly 'right' lately.  This is the 2nd time that I have felt conviction over this in a couple days time.  I was reminded about the sermon on the mount when Jesus talks about fasting.  And I opened up to Isaiah 58.  And in the margin by verses 3-5, I had scribbled from a sermon that 'self-interest is the foundation of counterfeit religion'.  Ouch!  And next to verses 6-7 was written, 'authentic Christianity is marked by radical love.'  Right!

The entire passage is about fasting.  Fasting isn't something I've ever taken seriously.  I admonish it and I've tried it but not without selfishly thinking that there might be some weight loss to gain from fasting and other vain ideas.  But in Matthew 6, Jesus says 'When you fast'.  Not if but when (it's an action word).  And when you do (back to Isaiah 58:6), to do it to loose the chains of injustice, untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and to break every yoke.  To share, provide, clothe, and not to turn away from your neighbor.

So after getting the urging twice, first in reading about true fasting and secondly in the question I was prompted to ask God, I think it's time I did some true fasting.  To urgently pray for those suffering injustices.  To put myself and my own problems aside and to plead with God to answer the prayers of true sufferers.

I didn't do anything to have been given this easy life.  That desperate, hopeless woman could be me right now.  It could be my kids getting abused, sex-trafficked, or living in the dump.  And it IS God's kids... millions of His children, everyday.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that I hope to ask God for justice just as often as I ask Him to keep us healthy.  And to ask Him for resources to the poor when I'm thanking Him for His blessings on us.  And when I'm in a bad mood and I snark at Him that I could use some patience, that He would reunite a parent with a child.  It looks like I need to do some authentic fasting and to take action: to share, provide, clothe, and reconcile.

And the third note I have in my Bible next to Isaiah 58:8-14 is that 'the result of authentic religion is the extreme favor of God.'

He got my attention....

First, it was a reading from Shauna Niequist's book, "Bread and Wine":

'{Through community} the table becomes the hospital bed, the place of healing....a deep sense of God's presence and happiness.' ....  'And I believe that Jesus asked for us to remember him during the breaking of the bread and the drinking of the wine every time, every meal, every day - no matter where we are, who we are, what we've done.  If we only practice remembrance every time we take Communion at church, we miss three opportunities a day to remember.  What a travesty!'

No shame at the table but remembrance.  The reminder that we are poor but privileged.  To remember at every meal. We have three opportunities to remember the body and the blood.  That while we are sinners, we have redemption.  No shame but righteousness.  No gluttony but remembrance.  

Next, it was a reminder once again of my sugar habit.  I gobbled up cookie dough as I listened to a podcast about sugar addicts, that although they want to change, the stronghold is real.  I have all the knowledge, all the know-how, but I'm addicted.  I'm gluttonous, I eat though I am warned that it is a sin.  I sin against my body, against my flesh, and it becomes spiritual. I know that I am called to be holier than this.  I choose not to remember Christ's sacrifice while I selfishly indulge or am tempted to indulge.  I was reminded that my addiction to sugar is real and is dangerous to my health and to the health of my kids as I am their example.  Even if I'm eating here and there in secret, someday it will be obvious to my kids and they will do as I do.  

Third, it was a beautiful dinner with friends.  We each brought our contribution to the dinner.  We ate and encouraged each other.  It was so much more than filling our tummies.  It was honoring to God and a blessing to each of us.

Fourth, it was me... choking?!  God, what are you trying to tell me through this?  I've never honestly choked before but this was to the point that I had a piece of crust lodged in my throat.  I stood up and lurched my stomach to dislodge the crust.  It worked, I was fine.  We laughed, I sat, and I pondered what had happened as much as I could in a room full of bustling women.  I knew I'd have to return to this moment and 'chew' on it later. 

Finally, at least so far, it was a bible study on fasting.  Hungering for God, and denying yourself.  Fasting in secret.  Learning that GOD will guide me, GOD will satisfy me, GOD will provide for me.  Not food, not sweets, not giving into my temptations.  And not giving it up on my own.  What's it going to take?!  GOD!  What kind of religious person am I?  Do I just go through the motions?  Do I uphold 'the law' but toe the line?  Do I give into temptations?  On some level, many levels actually, each of the answers to those questions, I'm sorry to say, is yes.  I pick and choose which laws I should obey and which ones aren't worth it.  I decide when to fear God.   

In Matthew 6:16, Jesus says 'WHEN you fast...'  Not 'if' but 'when'.  And He goes on to teach that when you fast, to do it in secret, meaning that in the secret places of your heart where only God sees, that your motives matter more than your method.  It's not necessarily about me giving up sugar although I am motivated to fast to seek God's help in that area.  But what else is he going to teach me and reveal to me about myself?  

It was so kind of God to grab my attention in this way.  It was in, what I consider, FIVE ways that the Lord got my attention in less than 24 hours related to the way I eat or think about eating.  I frequently feel shame with food and also rich pleasure.  I believe that food should be enjoyed, I think it's actually a God-given pleasure.  But I abuse it and associate shame with my eating many times.  I don't want to feel that way anymore.  And I want to get my cravings under control.  I want to crave God.  I want to enjoy food.  I don't want food to own me anymore.  I want to be obedient to Jesus and to remember what the bread and wine symbolizes at every meal.

I feel like for my situation that I have come across the answer.  Fasting, prayer, remembrance, and obedience.  I hope that I've cracked the code but that would be missing the point.  It's not what I've done and it's not by my own power that I will get through this alone.  I will need the Father.  

I need you, Father.  Thank you for gently and clearly getting my attention in these hours.  Open my eyes to what you want to reveal to me.  Mold me.  Fulfill me.  Satisfy me.  See into the secret places of my heart and change me.  And may YOU be glorified while I am humbled.  

'the boy' Jesus

I'm slowly reading through the Beth Moore bible study: Jesus the One and Only.  It's provoking so many questions in me.  I love that after reviewing this study every so often, fresh perspective accompanies it every time!

Today I read the little insight the Bible gives us into the life of young Jesus.  Of course, pretty much the only info we can glean from is the story of Jesus staying behind in the temple as his family/community make their way back home.  (Luke 2:41-50)  Mary and Joseph frantically searched for him for three days.

I was comparing Jesus at this age with some of my older nephews who are at the age that Jesus was around in this story.

Jesus says to Mary when they find him, 'Didn't you know that I had to be at my Father's house?'

If one of my nephews would say this to either of my sisters, it would come across as him being cocky!  They would probably get a stern talking to by their dads.  But what Jesus is stating here refers to this pull of a spiritual force like a magnetism that Jesus physically/spiritually HAD to be at that temple, in his Father's house.  And Mary must know that there's a depth to Jesus' reply that they don't quite understand because it's another circumstance/conversation/memory that she adds to the 'ponder' bucket in her heart. And we don't hear a rebuke out of Joseph ;)

I started to imagine Mary and Joseph on their journey home (again!) this time with their adolescent boy.  As a parent, I would feel a sense of relief and gratitude that this time we have our son in our company, but also an annoyance that we had already completed an entire day of this journey a few days ago.  But did they get some quality one-on-one time with their son?  Was it just the three of them, or the entire family, did the community wait up for them?  And how did Mary and Joseph interact with this perfect son of theirs?  I wonder if they began to joke around about it, if they lightened up, asked more questions, or just eyed him suspiciously?  Did Jesus offer anymore explanation?  Did he know their thoughts and recognize their confusion?  When he trudged those dusty roads, and the dust floated up around him, did he remember when he first made dust, when he created Adam from that dust?  Did Joseph and Jesus recite scripture while they walked?  Did Jesus actually ever have to learn the word as a boy?  Because he IS the Word made flesh?  Did Joseph and Mary actually even grasp that?  That the scripture they were teaching their 7+ children to recite was embodied in their firstborn?!!

I picture my nephews in this role of Jesus since they're the only adolescent boys that I know well enough.  There is still a sense of play in them and yet they can have meaningful conversations.  Did Jesus mature really quickly or did he occasionally play a harmless trick on a sibling in good fun?

When my nephews come over, they're all about helping Jordan.  They grab a mug of coffee just like Jordan and they help him work.  And they always already know everything!  I remember one time when my nephew Taylor was over.  He and Jordan had filled their mugs with coffee and had gone downstairs to work on our craft room.  Ten minutes later, Taylor was back up with his mug of coffee.  He 'casually' mentioned that sometimes he likes creamer in his coffee although usually he prefers it black.  I pulled out some creamer and told him that this particular kind is Jordan's favorite.  When he heard that he dropped his adult facade and got all giddy that even Jordan likes creamer in his coffee!  He was boyish again and true to himself!  But I know that as soon as he was back in Jordan's company, he was all MAN!

Did Jesus do this?  When he watched his father do carpentry, did he eagerly get to work?  Did he man-up?  Did he get bored occasionally and join his siblings for a game of hide-and-seek instead? And the Bible says that Jesus grew in strength.  Was that accompanied by hormones?  And to think that an adolescent could stay free from hormonal mood swings, that has got to be a miracle in itself!  Who was this boy?!  And what was he like as an even younger boy?  I think of my 2 year old and my 4 year old.  Emmy, who is two and getting stronger willed, arches her back when I pick her up if she doesn't want to be picked up.  I think of that as being part of our sinful nature so maybe Jesus never did that?  But then I think about when my four year old, Charlie, is extremely tired and he'll just cry for no reason.  Did Mary and Joseph ever scoop up their 4-year old Jesus, wipe his tears, and carry him to bed?

I wish I could have a sneak peak so bad!  Do you think that in heaven we'll get to watch blu-rays (or whatever it is that God uses up there, if anything!) of all of this unfolding?!  I hope so.  I think it would be fun to review and to watch Mary and Joseph's responses knowing all that we do now.  And Jesus could be right up by the screen pointing things out and pausing the video to tell us exactly what was going through his mind at that time.  Just like when we watch home videos with family and gently tease each other as it plays!  We always share our viewpoints and it's always hilarious!

I think it's important for me to reflect on Jesus' upbringing to remember that he was fully human just like me!  But completely perfect, unlike the rest of us!  What did that perfection look like while he was growing up... and as an adult (like did he ever roll his eyes at Peter?!)  And a big joke with married couples is a differing point of view on how to load a dishwasher... your spouse is always going to do it wrong!  How would Jesus have done it?

Would I argue that that's not the right way?!  Would I have stomped my foot at the 12 year old Jesus that stayed behind in the temple if I were a terrified Mary?  Would I have ever sent Jesus to his room for a time-out when he was young?  This tiny glimpse into Jesus' boyhood causes me to long for greater patience with my own children.  Am I sometimes too quick to get angry?  Do I give them consequences without ever listening to them and without learning why they are misbehaving?  Granted, they are going to need consequences and probably often!  But I also need greater patience in dealing with them.  I'm hoping that I read this part of scripture for 'such a time as this' as we kick off our Christmas break!

And I cannot wait to someday learn more about this young Jesus!

natalie's baptism

I cannot even express what this day meant for me.  Natalie decided all on her own to get baptized.  After an announcement about upcoming baptisms one Sunday, Natalie whispered to me that she wanted to get baptized.  The youth pastor had explained that if you are a follower of Jesus but have never taken this step then maybe this was the time to do that.  So after the service we explained this further to Natalie and that she would have to share her testimony.  It was a no-brainer for her!

She wrote up her testimony all on her own and on December 7 she read her testimony and was baptized.  This is what she wrote:  

"Today I am getting baptized because I believe in Jesus.  I know he is king, I love him.  I've known Jesus as long as I can remember!  I know he died on the cross and he changed me.  Without him, I would be sad.  I feel happy because Jesus is always with me.  I want Jesus to always be in my heart because he saved me.  Jesus did not just save me, he saved all of us!  That's why I am getting baptized."

I was nervous for her beforehand but she didn't seem too nervous.  Once it was her turn (after watching 6 others go before her) she strode up to that microphone and read what she had wrote.  She got into the tub afterwards and answered the Pastor when he asked her if she believed that Jesus loved her and if she was going to live her life for Him.  After she was dunked and when she emerged, the entire church cheered!

How moving!  How exciting!  And what an awesome God!  I'm so grateful that Jesus is my Friend, but to experience this in my Daughter's life?!  Incredible!  Natalie loves Jesus, believes in Him, and wants to live for Him.  And I just praise the Lord that He died for all of my children.  This is the joy of Easter, right here in Natalie's baptism.  And in every moment up to this point and in the rest of her life.  This is what life is all about: Our Heavenly Father who reached out to us sinners through His perfect Son, Jesus.  And Natalie has given her life back to Him and has been baptized as a symbol.  And what a beautiful symbol it was!

She did so great!

Afterwards we celebrated with family and friends!

 

 Ruby and Charlie were pretty proud, too!

What a blessing to be able to share this moment with our families and friends that have loved her and supported her and Jordan and I throughout her life.  We had quite an awesome support system around us that day!

To God be the Glory!

bible camp 2014

Sometimes in my pondering, I think about how it must be for God to know intricately every detail of our lives before they happen; if He is eager to see our reaction once a time of revelation comes.  I believe that as we make important choices, He rejoices even though He has known how it would be since the dawn of creation.

Eighteen years ago, I went to my church's Bible camp and continued to go for some years following.  Each summer, I was greatly affected by it.  From the worship to the messages and our intentional quiet time... I was on a spiritual cloud nine after each week away from home.  These weeks have always stood out as building blocks in my faith.

Now all of these years later, I've gotten to go back to camp as a counselor!!  And it was amazing!  I thought I was primarily going there to serve but knowing that I would be worshiping ,engaging, and learning as well and I knew that I'd be blessed.  But God went far beyond my expectations!

I was able to be in a cabin with my niece, Anna, which was so special and bonding!  I was and am so proud of her and to deepen our relationship was such a blessing.  And Sam, my nephew, was along as well and our relationship also reached a new depth!  But camp was also much more of a challenge than I thought it would be.  I had to plead for wisdom, strength, and boldness!  And I cried a lot concerning some tough choices that I had to make.  But because I went through all these difficult decisions, doubt, and sadness, God also provided and answered prayers in ways I wouldn't have witnessed had I neglected to ask Him.  Specific answers to prayer!!

There was also a moment in worship where I had to grieve the loss of my relationship with my dad.  Again, unexpected!  What in the world?  I was more hormonal than my 13 year olds!  But it was worth it!  I was prayed over by one of my sweet cabin girls!  So special!!

By the end of the week, all of the turmoil that I had encountered was resolved with a hug and an affirmation.  I was also able to pray with someone who gave their life to Christ.  And my one-on-one conversations with my girls were amazing!

I was exhausted but enriched in a way I hadn't expected!  Once again, Bible Camp built up my faith and ignited a fire!  I am so grateful to have had this opportunity!

i commit my spirit

'Spirit'....

I've been seeing this word everywhere lately without even recognizing it until just today.  I guess God has to put things in front of me over and over sometimes to finally get my attention!!

I've been reading the crucifixion story slowly and with a Bible commentary for a few weeks now.  Very slowly getting through it but trying to soak it all in.  I am going through each of the four gospels and trying to imagine everything in detail.  So I've seen the phrase, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit," four times now.  I've also heard a mini Good Friday sermon including this quote.  Yesterday, I randomly opened my Bible to the Psalms and it opened to Psalm 31 where I again read, "Into your hands I commit my spirit'.  You would think that at this point I'd be past thinking, 'Interesting, there it is again....'  You would be wrong.  I read a great article this morning about Satan stealing your inner spirit and it was right on.  I knew that it was meant for me.  But even then, it wasn't until this afternoon that my eyes finally caught a chalkboard in my house of the fruits of the spirit when I FINALLY realized that God has been waiting for me to fully catch on to what he is trying to tell me.

The fruits of the spirit are:

LOVE,  joy, peace,  forbearance, KINDNESS, goodness, FAITHFULNESS, gentleness, and SELF-CONTROL.

I am so guilty of defiling every single one of these descriptions.  Every one.  This week, I have been a bear!  I have bullied my kids.  I have wanted to leave them (just for a couple hours but still, no 'forbearance' whatsoever!).  I have snapped at the slightest annoyances. I have no idea what's going on!  It's not 'that time of the month' and I don't usually get this bad even when it is.  I have glared at my kids.  I have yelled at them to stop asking me so many questions.  I have even treated Jordan unfairly.  I have entertained negative thoughts and have been overly concerned about what people 'think' of me.  Issues I thought I had resolved.  Conflicts that I thought I had put to rest have been coming back full force.  I have cried into my pillow in the middle of the night.  I have had nightmares.  I have been sad. I'm ungrateful for what I've been blessed with.  I'm selfish.  My prayer life has been rotten and the only thing I've been doing right is reading the bible, but even through that, I find my mind drifting away.

Life is going so smoothly over here.  There is nothing but good stress in my life right now.  But I have been feeling lost during the day.  Against my will, I try to play with the kids but there is little enjoyment in it.  This is so not like me, usually.  Bedtimes can be stressful occasionally and thankfully the kids have been going to bed nicely, but even at the end of the day, it took all of my willpower to give them some attention at bedtime.  I don't want to read stories, I don't want to tuck them in, cuddle, pray, whisper stories....

It's so disheartening.

But now I am reflecting: I can control this.  I am better than this.  I am called to motherhood because Jesus believes in me.  And I am called to commit my spirit to God because Jesus is my role model.

I have this ugly, imperfect, human spirit raging inside of me.  Literally, I want to scream, I want to hit, I want to be alone.  I don't want to read the bible, I don't want to pray.  I don't want to study, learn, and work.  I don't want to be convicted.  I don't want to be disciplined.  

But by faith I know that I need YOUR spirit inside of me.  It has never been more obvious to me that I am not bearing the fruits of the spirit. What kind of a witness is that???  There is no proof of you living inside of me when I act in these ways.  And forget the act... it has GOT to be REAL.  I need to commit this ugly, monster of a spirit into your holy hands.  Your hands that have the HOLES from the nails that HUNG you on the CROSS so that I would also choose to commit my spirit to you, in adoration of what you did for me.  What have I done?  It is this spirit of mine that crucified you.  It is this monster that spit at you and mocked you and beat you.  It was me.  It is me.  How can I feel this conviction and not immediately ask for your forgiveness?  How can I keep on like this?  And defile your name that is written on my soul.

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.

Help me.

I can't do it alone.

Oh Jesus, I so desperately need you.  I am so rotten.  I have been giving the devil a foothold in my life that I hadn't even known acknowledged was there.  There are so many times that I struggle with you, we wrestle, because I don't want to change or work at anything.  It's easier to have things MY way.  It's easier to boss the kids around than to stop and listen.

I will turn this into a learning lesson.  I will talk about it with my kids.  Just like how my mom did and does when she feels she has wronged me.  I will pray over this area in my life.  I will be open and vulnerable, humble and apologetic.

And I will try to do better.  I will try to recognize the monster in me and remember the victory in you.

Father, 
Jesus, 
Holy Spirit,

into Your precious hands, I commit my spirit.

fierce

Do you ever have a moment where you realize that you've been learning a lesson for a long time without even realizing it?  I had this revelation the other night.  It was brought to my attention while Jordan and I were having a discussion.  If ever I feel strongly about something, oftentimes Jordan will play devil's advocate with me about it.  I don't think he realizes how often he does this and when we were dating and first married, I HATED it!  I would feel like he was attacking me and just trying to be argumentative.  I hate to argue, I'd rather go with the flow or hold my opinions inside.  But after our 8 years of marriage, with the help of quite a few arguments, and some (ok, many!) self-help books, I've learned to keep my defenses down when these debates arise.  I've learned that I need to keep an open mind, stay calm, and choose my words to get my own point across, and be respectful through it all.  Sometimes, I would blow up regardless, mostly out of annoyance that I can't express things to him good enough to win the battle.  Sometimes I would just wave my white flag out of hostility, angry that I was surrendering.  And when I would resort to either of those options, of course Jordan would get angry as well.  Now I realize that all along, Jordan hasn't been trying to 'win', he's been encouraging me to argue back.  To get my point across.  To stand up for what I believe in.

All my life, I've been the girl that shies away from confrontation.  I'm a peace maker to a fault.  My name actually means 'peaceful valley'.  Suck!  For so many years, that has left me feeling like a doormat.  I've gotten into some heated conversations in my adulthood where I can only stand my ground for so long before I crumble under the weight of confrontation.  There have been times when my faith is on the line with people, but I cannot argue.  So again, I raise my little white flag.  I've actually been told that I'm a push-over.  Ouch!  And until recently, I have believed that that is in the fiber of my being.

I just read a really great book, Fierce Women, which is largely about what a biblical submissive wife looks like.  I benefited from the book, for sure, and I definitely needed to add to my knowledge of what a submissive wife looks like.  But more than anything, I needed to learn about the all-encompassing fierce woman. (CHARACTERISTICS OF A FIERCE WOMAN:  Her identity is rooted in her relationship with Christ, gracious, content, courageous, faces her fears, passionate, not trivial, she's more focused on giving love than getting love, battles for a worthy cause instead of shrinking in defeat, protects and defends, a sincere encourager, honest and kind, speaks truth in love, she walks in confidence and humility, her life is lived for God's glory rather than the smallness of self.)  I needed to hear for the first time that to be submissive, peaceful, 'soft' doesn't mean I'm a door-mat.

And during a debate the other night and with reminders of that book still fresh in my head, I realized that Jordan has been speaking into that area of my life ever since I've known him, that I need to stand up for what I believe in.  I've always been confident that Jordan has never thought of me as just a doormat.  Even when he could have fully taken advantage of that personality trait.  When he'd play devil's advocate with me, I thought he was opposing me.  For years now, I'd leave those kind of discussions wishing that instead of debating, he'd just agree with me.  So many times I would bring something up that I knew Jordan agreed with but instead, we'd start 'debating' (which eventually led to arguing).  I would wish or pray that he would just stop, just agree, just let me have the final word.  I hadn't been trying to get in a fight, but with him pestering me, I would get all defensive.  I've always been bad with public speaking, why wouldn't he just listen instead of argue?  When I was feeling like a door-mat with someone else, why didn't he just let me vent about things instead of  pushing me to make my case?  And now I see it!!  He's been making me stronger all along!  While I doubt that he has had a grand, master scheme, he's been teaching me, pushing me, encouraging me to stand up!  To make my case!

Isn't it funny how God works sometimes?  I have wondered many times why Jordan and I would be so opposite of each other?  I had it all mixed up.  What I thought were his flaws were actually mine: Why couldn't he be a bit more gentle, like me?  A little less opinionated, a little less challenging?!  Again, I have never been a public speaker, I've never been very good with my words.  I have always been a quiet listener, a peace maker, a door-mat.  I've always longed to be fierce in a loving way, a soft warrior, the kind of woman the bible encourages me to be.  Why does it have to be a journey?  Why has it taken me 8 years of marriage to realize that Jordan's debates with me are for my benefit?  God IS at work in my life, in those personality traits that need to be molded, in the times when I'd rather not stand up for what I believe in because it's easier for me to surrender.

And God's timing is beyond my comprehension!

I have a friend who is going through some tough times right now.  I don't believe that anyone else is probably speaking into her situation with the Truth.  I feel like what she needs to be reminded of isn't going to be something she wants to hear.  And it's definitely something that I would rather not say.  But I know that I am in training.  I know that I am a 'soft person' which can be either a strength and weakness.  And I believe that God has set this challenge in my way so that I might stand up for what the Word says, while using my 'softness' to get His point across to her.

With what I have believed about myself being a door-mat, I have not honored God's call in my life to speak His truth.  To stand up for Christ.  To take up my cross and follow Him.  I've been a people-pleaser.  Not an advocate for Christ in a culture that needs the Truth to be spoken.  Now that I'm realizing how God has been at work in molding me into a fierce woman (and his using Jordan to accomplish that), I have a greater awareness of my responsibility and my God-given ability.  I hope I make Him (and Jordan!) proud!

baby steps

Emmy started taking steps about 2 months ago now but only in the last 2 weeks has she been walking.  I don't think there's anything sweeter than when she would take a couple of staggered, unsure steps.  I knew she could do it, she had the balance down, she knew how to tumble should she stumble, but she would reach out for me and as soon as she was close enough, she'd fall into me, knowing that I would catch her.

What a metaphor for life, isn't it?  Baby steps... it's an analogy used all of the time.  I've seen a hundred people do it before me and do it well, I know what it requires, but I am not sure if I've got what it takes.  I stagger, arms reaching, legs shaking, body moving uncomfortably.  I don't make it far because my mind gives up on me.  The strength of the body is there yet my spirit is weak.  But I have confidence in my Father.  I lean into Him and he's always there.  And while I give up, doubting myself, He's waiting for me to take it even further next time.  He has confidence in me!!  Isn't it sweet to think of our Heavenly Father holding His strong arms out to us while we waddle ungracefully toward Him.  I know He looks on us lovingly, encouraging us, and so excited when we get close to Him.  And even when we learn to walk in maturity like we're supposed to do, He wants us to come to Him like a child again.

Now Emmy is constantly on the move.  She's got this.  She doesn't need the security of my arms stretched toward her.  If anything, she doesn't want me to help her get along.  But nothing brings me more joy than when in all her independence, she decides to walk toward me and collapse into my arms!!

Matthew 14: 22-33 is the story of Jesus walking on water.  But Jesus wasn't the only person to ever walk on water.  When he told his disciples to 'come' walk on the water with him, only Peter obeyed and when he got out of the boat, he was also able to walk on the water.  Jesus knew he could do it but as soon as Peter began to doubt that he could do it, he began to sink.  Jesus had faith in Peter.  It was Peter who lost the faith to do the impossible with the help of Jesus.  Seriously, a human being other than Christ was able to walk. on. WATER!!

That's just a good reminder to me that nothing is impossible with God!  Oh, that my faith would continue to grow...!  That I wouldn't stumble, that I wouldn't shake, that I would believe that I have what it takes when I'm holding my Father's hand.

Baby steps....

proverbs thirty one

It's been 8 and 9 years since my grandmas have died.  And I still miss them terribly.  Niether of them got to witness my marriage to Jordan or the birth of any of my kids.  They would so enjoy our kids.  My heart still aches for them to be with me again.  I visited one of my grandmas' graves the other day on the anniversary of her death.  This isn't something I have done often since she's been gone since I know that she's not there.  The grave isn't really of much significance to me.  But I was moved to tears when I was there.  I miss my grandmas.  They are two of the most influential people in my life.  And even though they are gone, they are still guiding me with their wisdom.  At the cemetary, I pulled out my bible and without a thought opened to Proverbs 31.  It was God's prompting.  My grandmas were 'Wives of Noble Character'.  And what I learned from them is something that I so badly want to live out to my children and grandchildren.  I was convicted that I need to put these words into practice if I am going to leave a legacy behind.  I am also blessed by our moms who also wear this title and are an encouragement to me.

So now I am reflecting again on this scripture this morning... trying to figure out how to 'master' these characteristics of a noble wife.  This question came to mind: 'what is your job?'  My first answer to that question is that I'm a stay-at-home mom.  But that's never good enough for me.  Immediately my mind searches for other 'titles' that I can use to label myself with.  I remind myself of the jobs I do to bring in an income: massage therapy, the hundreds of bags I sew each month for a lady I subcontract to, babysitting.  Why can't I just stop at SAHM?  Am I insecure with this job?  It certainly is a big job, a job that is never finished.  Do I need to be making money to feel noble and wise?  Do I need a career or a title?

On re-reading this passage, I am convicted that my heart needs to be more intentional on my mom-job.  My number one job is my family.  And this is actually my dream job so why the insecurity and lack of confidence?!  When I apply these verses to my job, I realize I am falling short.  But I am encouraged to have gained this insight.  This is what I interpret these verses to mean.  In my role as a mother, do I:

{vs 13} work with eager hands (am I actively engaged?)

{15} provide 'food' for my family (am I nourishing them physically and psychologically?)

{16} plant a vineyard out of my earnings (am I spending time and resources on things that will produce fruit, or things that will die?)

{17} go about work vigourously (am I disciplined?)

{18} see that my 'trading' is profitable (do I have an awareness of what is working and what isn't working?)

{20} opening my arms to the poor and needy (setting a good example by taking care of others?)

{21 & 22} providing clothes (meeting even their most basic, simple needs?) 

I think I occasionally feel insecure about being 'just' a SAHM because it isn't exactly what our american culture supports.  I feel like my job is sometimes discredited as being an excuse to catch up on soap-operas or sleep in.  Deep down, I guess, I wonder if the label 'SAHM' implies that I am lazy.  To think of myself as lazy is a complete blow since I really enjoy work.  And I discredit my own job by thinking that I will feel more valued if I contribute to our finances.  But my job, my teaching, instructing, disciplining, self-sacrificing job, is influencing the next generation.  And I forget how important my job as a mother is. 

And this is the goal:

vs. 25: 'She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.'

And the prize:

vs. 31: 'Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.'

I really focused on those last couple of verses when I was at the cemetary.  My grandmas were strong, dignified, joyful, wise, faithful, and gently instructed me.  I want that.  I want to be all of these things that Proverbs 31 encourages.  I want to be the best mom I can be to my precious little ones and I want to be this as a wife.  I want to be a blessing!  Now after all of this rambling, I am wondering if the first step to being this woman is to bury these SAHM images, to be confident that I am doing what is best for me in staying home. 

And I just know that my grandmas were given a reward for it in Heaven.  I know that without a doubt.  And the crowds in heaven cheered for all that they had done here on earth.

It will be worth the self-less devotion.