Saturday, July 21, 2012

my portion

Tonight I felt like I needed some 'me and God' time.  The house is quiet.  Everyone asleep.  I opened up Psalm 119 and began to read.  I got to verse 57: 'You are my portion, Lord.'  And instantly the statement was rearranged and turned into a question: 'Are you my portion, Lord?' 

Are you my portion, Lord?  I like to think that you are.  I love you.  I want to live my life for you and that goal is usually in the back of my mind.

My mind drifted back over the day.  I look back at this day with many regrets.  I did a garage sale today.  Business was slow.  In between customers, I filled my time with useless things.  Internet, picking up toys, counting the earnings again, thinking of and planning the next house project, talking on the phone.  Meanwhile, my kids are watching tv, or trying to play with me as I'm day-dreaming (off in la-la land), hugging me and whispering 'I love you' while I chat away on the phone.

Jordan has been working a lot lately and motherhood has been overwhelming.  I miss Jordan when he's away but when he comes home again, we don't make the best use of our time but fill it in with more useless time-suckers.

My regrets of this day make me yearn to do it all over again or to do it better tomorrow.  My family is my LIFE.  I want to be my kids' and Jordan's best friend.  I want them to think back to these days and remember how much fun we had playing together.  How much I did for them.  How I was always there for them and never preoccupied with anything else.  But somehow.... I. just. can't. get. it. right.  My priorities are always scattered.  I want to have structure AND a relaxed atmosphere at home; a neat and tidy house AND playdough stuck to the floor as evidence of our playtime.  I want to enjoy my husband and the kids and I want them to enjoy me.

And that's what priority number one always comes down to: my family.

Are you my portion, Lord?


At the end of the day am I more often concerned with my family or my Lord?

I felt like God asked me, 'Lindsey, would you give me your garage sale profits?'  Yes, I would.  'Lindsey, would you give me your hobbies, would you be content with what you have?'  (Sigh, but...) Yes.  'Lindsey, would you give me Jordan, Natalie, Ruby, Charlie, the baby?'

.........Please don't ask me to, Lord. 

I know that everything has come from you and I feel like I could give you anything you ask for.  But my family?  I don't know exactly what this question means.  At first I think He's asking me to place them in His care.  But then I feel like He's actually asking me to let go of them.  To give myself to Him and my family to Him.  To take them off the pedestal and to put Him on the throne instead.  I know that the throne is His rightful place but I also feel like it's up to me and me alone to do this mother/wife job.  I feel like He shouldn't concern Himself with my duties.

But maybe that's why I'm struggling now.  And I know that it is the reason for this overwhelming feeling of regret and responsibility.  I am not allowing Him to help me.  Sure, God's a part of these relationships but He isn't at the center of them. 

What if I were to lose everything today?  How would I 'deal' with God?  Would I lean on him or be upset because He took something that was mine?  It scares me to give my family to God because I know that He gives and takes away.  And I am not worthy of this family He's granted me. 

Neither am I worthy of Him.  Yet, he gave up Himself for me.  HE gave himself up for ME.

(Big pause....  Long reflection of what I cost Him)

"Lindsey, can you give up your everything for me?  Your family and yourself?  Can you trust me?"

Yes, Lord.... when I consider what you have done for me, what you have given to me in the first place.  I need your help.  I desperately need your guidance in every area of my life.  I need you to get my priorities straight.  I need you to help me in my role as wife and mother.  Because, as you so very well know, I cannot do it alone.  And if giving you my family ever comes to mean what I fear most... may I worship you still for what you have granted me.

And may You ever be my portion.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

deja vu...

We had the 20 week ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and it was confirmed to us that we're having another GIRL!!  She is healthy and beautiful weighing in at one whole pound (which makes me question my weight gain).  We had the ultrasound tech write down the sex of the baby and we brought the paper back to the kids and mom and dad Barkel who were watching them.  Natalie took the paper out and read what it was.  Jordan was hoping for a boy (just for Charlie's sake, of course) but I know he'll manage to love this little girl just as he adores Natalie and Ruby.  It's still hard for me to fully believe that this is a girl since sometimes the ultrasound techs are wrong.  But they were right with Natalie and Ruby (we didn't find out with Charlie). 

I've been feeling really great...gotta love the second trimester.  I am 6 months pregnant already.  This pregnancy is going by much faster than my other pregnancies!  I feel like I've put on more weight at this point than with the others.  And I also feel much more run-down this time around (maybe it's due to the 100 degree weather and my other 3 kiddos?!)  But the baby is more active than ever!  I know when I was pregnant with Natalie, Jordan was able to feel her move at about the 19th week.  When I had my ultrasound this time around at 20 weeks, you could already see the baby rolling around on the outside of my stomach!  That sensation never gets old and I know that it's something I will never forget!  I've been reading the baby books and scribbling down names and crossing them off after running them by Jordan.  But we are definately more in agreement with names this time around as opposed to the other times!

I can't quite seem to get a grip on the fact that come fall, I will have FOUR children.  When will it sink in that this is real?  I feel like I'm just going through the motions... I've done all this before.  When I was pregnant with Charlie, I kept thinking to myself, 'this is probably the last time we'll do an ultrasound, the last glucose test, the last time I'll flip through the baby name books, the last of the labor pains, the last epidural....'  I really believe that this is the final pregnancy, but I'm not having those thoughts.  The nostalgia is somewhat...amiss.  But the excitement about the baby herself is there.  I'm so anxious to prepare the bedroom for her arrival and go into labor, hold her and introduce her to our family.  When I hear the beating of her heart every four weeks, it still blows me away how blessed we are to recieve such an amazing gift.