Sunday, January 4, 2015

this is not a new year's resolution

I'm not against them, resolutions, but they only seem to apply to New Year's Day, the Month, or maybe for a whole 6 weeks....  So this is NOT a resolution.  It's just a goal that maybe I will accomplish.  Maybe it will work for a day, a month, or six weeks.  But even so, I will be better for it!

This is how it is:  I crave sugar.  I'm physically and mentally and emotionally addicted to sugar.  I resist sugar.  But then I eat sugar.  I beat myself up for eating sugar.  Then in my distress, I turn to my good friend, Sugar.  I eat and fail some more.  Then my mind chimes in, 'Hey, it's okay! It's only dried fruit!  There shouldn't be a problem with me eating some dried fruit.'  And to the core I believe that's true.  But there is a problem when my mind tantalizes me between what is an okay consumption of sugar and what isn't.  I know that sugar is 'very bad'... I'm learning more and more.  I want for our family to enjoy 'real food'.  Food that is grown and fresh and preservative free.  And we've made some great changes over here.  But my mind continues to taunt me.  And that is what is most unhealthy about my relationship with Sugar.  It isn't sugar, itself.  It's my obsession with my 'addiction' to sugar.  That is what I need to say a 'farewell' to. Maybe I'll always want more sugar, maybe I'll fail every single day.  But I can't take it anymore, the noise in my head concerning you.  I'm still going to care but somehow, I need to show you that I am boss.  I don't know how, but I will win this.  The goal is that I can eat you once in a while and be content- not craving you or beating myself up for my indulgence afterwards.  Sugar, you make me feel bloated.  You make me angry with myself for my lack of control.  You cause me to over-analyze you every single day.  You make me tired and ever hungry for more.  You are only gratifying for the few seconds it takes for my mouth to digest you.  I am never fulfilled after consuming you, only hungry for more.  Sugar, I can live without you (even if I choose not to).  I refuse to give you so much of my attention and regard.  My mind is not going to concern itself with you anymore.  I'm going to do my routine grocery shopping, purchasing what is our (pretty darn healthy) normal selection of groceries and not be concerned about if I'm eating too much sugar.  Fresh and dried fruit is about the only option for sugar that is in the house and I feel like those are good God-given options.  I refuse to obsess anymore!

So there you have it:  I resolve to not obsess about my addiction with Sugar.