It's officially the spring season but the temperature is still in the 30's. Last year at this time, there were days that reached over 80 degrees...! Oh, Michigan. I am so ready for warmth, sun, and thunderstorms. However, even though I'm over this winter weather, I am still in shock that it is actually coming to an end. This winter flew by, really. I'm sure our vacation helped pass the time!
However, since we have returned, I have definately been affected by SAD (seasonal affective disorder), something that doesn't normally affect me. I feel as if I have zero ambition but there are a gazillion things to do and I am always feeling a bit agitated. The few times that I get a glimpse of sunshine from the outside, I hurry through the rooms to pull up the blinds, hoping to imprison the rays. That's what I've felt this house to be at times, a prison. And yet the idea of going out for a playdate or shopping sounds overwhelming to me. This is only a small little dosage of depression (if I can even call it that!) and my heart goes out to those who deal with depression all the time :(
I've been very busy around here. My side jobs (sewing bags and massage therapy) have been keeping me on my toes. Along with trying to keep up with that, there's also dinner and housework, Jordan and the kids, quiet time with God, groceries and errands, training for a 25k, bible studies and bridal showers, and the occasional playdate. It's a season. A season where I have so many priorities and if/when I don't prioritize them correctly, I know it and feel it. It's a burden and a blessing. I am so blessed by each of these areas in my life but when there are so many good things at one time, I don't know how to manage it all. I don't exactly feel like I need to give something up (maybe because I don't want to either?). I guess I just feel like I have to be on my guard. Be careful and balance it just right or I will need to give something up.
In this season, I celebrated my 27th birthday. I am typically the youngest of all of my friends so most of them are turning 30 or are into their 30's. I should be relieved about that, to still be 'young'. But this year is different somehow. I just cannot believe somedays that I am married and have 4 children! Jordan and I fell in love 10 years ago this year and it has been such an unbelievable time. I just had no idea that I could love my family this much. It's overwhelming to me in so many ways. I feel like the happiest girl in the world but I am also saddened to think of how quickly it is going and how often I take them for granted. I just don't know how to use this incredible love I have for them all. I try to reveal my love to them in different ways but it'll never be enough. There is no way to put into words or action how much I love them. And so I fear that I am not doing love 'right'! Does that even make sense?!
Also, when reflecting on this 27th year (I know, I reflect and analyze way too much!), I realize that I am finally starting to love myself. I don't want that in any way to sound conceited. It's just that I've had a low self-esteem pretty much my whole life. I can definately think of factors that may have caused that but I've always had reason and proof to believe the opposite, too. I know (more than ever this year!) that I am highly valued by my Creator, my husband, kids, and family. I think I'm a pretty open and honest person, but I think many would be surprised that this care-free girl has had some pretty hard stuff to deal with. But each new day, I'd put concealer over my scars. It has definately been a process but over this past year especially, I have found comfort in the knowledge that Jesus doesn't want me to feel guilt and shame. I know my weaknesses and God has been reminding me of my strengths. I have felt something strange occuring in this, my 27th year. I appreciate who God made me to be. My sinful human nature is always going to be a part of me this side of heaven. But God has also instilled in me talents that I am to use to His glory, and more than ever, I feel like I am finding pleasure in what is truly important. I fell deep in love with Jesus this past year and that must have contributed to the freedom I've begun to feel from self-deprecation.
Seasons come and seasons go but I hope that this blossoming in my life will continue to flourish when harsh winter seasons come back around ;)