number 4

(these events unfolded in March and that's when I wrote this)

What. A. Week!

I was busy with massage and my sewing business, Jordan picked up a side job and suddenly got overtime hours, Gary died, we had a wedding rehersal/wedding, and......

we discovered that we're going to have another baby!!!

I'm not even going to get into what a SHOCK this was for us. I'm not going to bring up that we had totally made our peace with not having anymore babies (something I never thought would be such an easy decision). I'm not going to mention how many people we had reassured that "we're done having kids" (even right up to the day we found out!). I'm not going to think about how much of our baby stuff we sold over the past few months. But I'll just say this: we were so sure we were done. I had actually made a note a couple of days before I took a test to call the doctor about different birth control options.... more permanent options!

I will say this: man plans, God laughs! Or more accurately, 'Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.' (Proverbs 19.21) And thank God for that! His plan has always been the best for us. And we are so anxious to welcome this new child into the family.

So this is the story of how we discovered this exciting news. I was a few days late but we just thought, "it can't be!". But finally, Jordan demanded I buy a test (which I just thought was silly). So I bought one on my way to help set up for a wedding. I was going to take it when I got there but decided against it. Jordan called his mom who was also there and asked to talk to me. He was just so anxious to know for sure. I told him I'd take it when we were home together. I came back home and Jordan had just gotten home as well. Our kids were at Katie's since we had a wedding rehersal that night. I took the test.... POSITIVE!! First, I was shocked! I was more shocked than Jordan... there were no symptoms to my pregnancy! And then I was scared... I do not feel like I'm cut out to be a mother of four children. Really, I've been feeling like I wasn't supposed to be a mother to three... it's tough. Through tears of mixed emotions and with shaky hands, I finished giving Jordan a haircut, composed myself, and we left for the wedding rehersal. We weren't just anxious thinking about another baby. We were happy, too. On our way to the rehersal, we picked up another test. Since the first test was from The Dollar Store, we thought there was a chance it was faulty (even though they haven't ever failed me before!) But then we passed a digital sign on a building (it immediately caught our attention) that read, "It's a Girl!" When we got to the rehersal, I took the test right away. It immediately read positive! I gave Jordan a 'sign' that it was once again positive. And I love the deep connection we felt with our little secret. We were openly talking about it all night though discretely enough for no one else to notice. We decided on the way home to keep it a secret for as long as we could. Our record in the past has been until I'm about 7 weeks along! I'm 5 weeks right now as I write this but don't plan to post this until we can't keep it a secret any longer.

So personally, at first I struggled with this pregnancy. It's hard to even admit that. Don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled that there is this little life inside of me and already, I cannot wait to meet our newest addition to the family! But I just feel like I can't! I don't say that about too many things in my life. I really enjoy a challenge. But this is a challenge that I can't fail at. God's timing always amazes me. He's known this whole 'time' that this was going to happen. I just did a Bible lesson on Deborah who was this warrier that said "I can" when it would have maybe been easier to say "I can't". At the time, I didn't feel that this lesson was necessarily speaking to me. Now I keep thinking back to it. And the next day after I found out about 'number 4', I did a lesson on James 1.17, "Every good and perfect gift is from above." I already knew that but there were so many other implications surrounding this verse that applied to my situation. Even though we had no idea this would happen, I am so totally on board with this, God's will for our family. I'm honored that God believes that I can manage four children. Being a mother has been one of the most rewarding gifts in all my life but also the scariest and most challenging. Somedays I feel like I've done everything wrong and that there's so much to lose. But when I step back and look at my kids, I think they are growing into wonderful, caring, loving little people. And I love them so much.

So, to the newest little member of the Barkel family: Hi, Love! You are only 5 weeks old and were such a surprise to us. But an amazing surprise that I can't wait to fully behold! I had no idea that you were in 'the plan' and am honored that God has chosen me to be your mother. You are already so loved and I cannot wait to share the news of YOU with everyone. God has had it in His plan since the dawn of creation for me to be your mother. And there is a plan completely laid out for you already. I pray, above all else, that you will chose to love the Lord and follow His will for you. I look forward to learning more about you and to looking into your eyes once you're born. I will try to be the best mom ever, even starting now. You are so loved, little (poppy-seed sized) baby. Can't wait to meet you!

ode to gary

Our beloved dog, Gary, was hit and killed by a car recently :( He had been running through his electric fence for the past month. It was so weird... he always wanted to run off and I guess the shock was worth the freedom. We got a knock on the door from an officer that he was dead. The car must have just hit his head. Both of his eyeballs were knocked out and his neck was completely broken. But the rest of his body was fine. We're hoping he died on the spot. Jordan picked him up from in front of the Borculo general store and there we were, digging a hole for him at 11pm. We didn't want to wait until the next day because it was so warm out (60F). We actually woke up the girls to see him one last time. They were very out of it, though, and didn't understand. So in the morning, I explained it to them again. They were sad but both agreed that he would be happier in heaven (or 'Kevin' as Ruby's been calling it.... from Home Alone, we think?!). Gary is with 'Doctor Jesus.' Our nieces and nephews are actually more sad about it than our own kids. Charlie has been walking around the house, occasionally calling for Gary and the girls will blurt out, "he's dead!" I feel a little guilty because I've been bugging Jordan to get rid of Gary to someone we know would want him. He was always following me around the house and creating more cleaning jobs for me. There were lots of things that annoyed me about him but I didn't want him to die!

A few days after he died, we were at a wedding rehersal and we were all reminiscing about Gary - it felt like an after-funeral, ham-on-bun, in-the-church-basement kind of gathering! We laughed about all of the things that he ate that he shouldn't have: a bag of chocolate chips and I had to induce vomiting so he wouldn't die (according to the vet), a whole batch of muffins with wrappers, an entire cajun pizza that the guys turned their back on in the garage one time, and then there was a whole platter of chocolate-covered cherries, truffles, and christmas cookies that we left in the basement while our friends were over. We came back down and there he sat on the couch, looking straight ahead, trying to appear innocent. He had eaten all of the goods except for one christmas cookie! We all thought it was hilarious that Gary probably figured he'd be off the hook if he left one cookie because what dog would be able to leave one cookie!

His official registered name was Sir Gary Barkel. We don't know for certain if his name contributed to his very human-like personality. There was this one time that Jordan and I watched him lay down, get comfortable, and cover himself with a blanket by using his teeth to pull it over him. He could also open the front door on his own and he knew how to use the doorbell (you know, in case the door was locked!). He loved my sister's family and about everytime she'd come over, he'd get in her car and sit straight-backed in the back seat pretending he was a human so that she'd take him away!

There were many that were so sad to hear he was gone! Actually, I think there are a lot of people that will miss him more than our own family!

So long, Gare-bear. And since you had such a strong personality, there is no way we'll ever attempt to replace you!

last pictures taken of him on the last day of his life.

Sir Gary Barkel: June 18, 2006 to March 6, 2012

Another 'scared silly' story that I'll tell just by using pictures.  This is how my daughters spend their playtime....
 

 

 

 

 

 

scared silly

Being a parent can be pretty scary sometimes. I'm sure every parent has their share of scary things their kids did. Here are some of our scary stories:

Natalie came out with an adjustable curtain rod, one day, with her dog hog-tied to the pole with ribbon.... She was on her way to make a fire and put him over it, "like in the movies," she said.

While the girls were wrestling with me, Ruby suddenly covers my mouth and nose (as best she could with one small hand) and says over and over, "shhh, don't say anything."

Charlie scared us when Jordan found him with a (butter)knife in his hand at the top of the stairs one night.

I came upon one of Ruby's small Polly Pocket dolls dangling from the piano bench by a yarn noose.

Currently, Ruby's favorite baby (who's name is Sister) has pink yarn wrapped around her neck over and over again. We're not sure if she's doing one of those tribal things where the people elongate the neck...? Whatever is meant by it, it's eerie!

After a bath one day, I found a nude Charlie reading the book, 'Tea for Ruby' with Ruby's beads on. That was scary enough but after I shot a picture, I noticed Bear in the background. And he looks like a creeper! Seriously, this was not staged. Jordan and I roared over this picture!

So there are some of our scary stories that have come with being a parent :)

february..?

This has been the strangest winter ever- weather-wise anyway. It has been mostly in the high 30s and sometimes even the 40s. We haven't even been able to go sledding with the kids. There have only been a couple of big snow falls but if we get another one, we will have to get out to a sledding hill no matter what! It's the middle of February and the ground is mostly bare. Today, it rained! I can't remember a winter like this one in my 20-some years!

It's been good running weather. Jordan and I just purchased some new shoes again. Running has been going very well for Jordan. I'm having a tougher time of it though... feeling kind of discouraged. We've been trying to eat healthier over here and Jordan has only had one can of pop in almost two weeks. He quit pop cold turkey. He. Quit. Pop. Cold. Turkey.... Not sure those words fit together in any other language! Jordan also just purchased a weight lifting bench+bars+weights. Yup, he's going to get ripped! Er, even more ripped ;)

This month, Jordan had 2 weeks off, so we attacked the house. In a good way. We tore out floors, put new in, sanded, painted, and so much more! I'll have more on the house in a later post where I'll include some pictures as well. We also moved the 90 gallon fish tank out and moved a serger (big industrial sewing machine) in! I subcontract to a company called Freedom Innovations and make bags that are sold with the product. I'm already getting much more done with having this operation set up in our own home. Maybe someday this baby will be my business in more ways than just this one! The massage business has been picking up as well. I've been doing this for 4 years now and it has proved to be consistently slower in January with business picking up in the spring. But, it feels like spring out there and business is picking up a little earlier than usual. I absolutely LOVE doing massage still. I'm anxious to see if there is more in store for this area of my life as well!

Lastly, but not least, this February marked our 6th wedding anniversary. We celebrated it by getting some Chinese food and shopping. We came home and dozed off on the couch. Just another anniversary :) But that's not the way to look at it every other day of the year. All too often, the sacred becomes mundane. I take Jordan for granted way too often. And sometimes it's just the simple things that remind me of how blessed I am to be his wife: he wakes up early {almost!} every morning to go to work for us, he hugs me everyday, he loves our kids so much, he's such an amazing dad, he still flirts with me after 9 years of being together, he loves Jesus, he gives me 'the light end' when we are moving things around and up and down, he empowers me, he encourages me, he eats the food I make for him even if it's not always the tastiest, he's {sometimes painfully!} honest with me for my well-being, he loves me unconditionally. And when I consider just these few things about him, I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

And that's what we did this February.

(I realize that there are still 8 days left of February but I intend for us to be lazy the rest of this month!)

the kids

I need to write an update on the kids! It's been too long again!

Natalie is learning so much at preschool. She absolutely loves it. I am not ready for her to go to kindergarten. That isn't for another 8 months but we have been informed that Zeeland kindergarten is going to be all day everyday starting next year. I am so bothered by this. I won't be ready for her to be gone that long. It has really made me sad thinking that we only have a short time left until she won't be home with us during the day. And preschool tires her out enough already. Sometimes she is really tired after school. And she only goes 2 afternoons a week. I'm sure she'll love it though. Just in the past couple of weeks, Natalie has been singing 100% on key. There was almost like this transitional week where all of a sudden, she is 'right on' instead of 'almost there'. She loves to sing and dance. And the way she dances... it's like spiritual or something! She is definately becoming a little lady. A couple of months ago, Natalie woke up yelling. Her foot was asleep. Jordan went in to be with her and she started to call out to Jesus. She called out, "Jesus! Jesus! Heal my foot! Jesus, You're the Son of God... heal my foot!" And He did! She calmed down and went back to sleep! We laughed so long and hard over that! Natalie still likes to act like animals. She is extremely good at it. She snarls, gallops, leaps, licks, scrathes... completely mimics dogs, cats, horses, and rabid creatures that freak everyone out! I'm not too concerned that she does this so often because she doesn't do it at school.

Ruby is quite the little lady. She is learning and growing as well. I have not been diligent at all with doing 'school' with her in the afternoons that Natalie is gone. She no longer naps in the afternoon either so I really should work with her more often. Ruby still loves to play with her baby. 'Baby' is as real as it could possibly be to Ruby. She holds her all the time and talks to her. Baby can't stay in the car or she'll get cold. Baby has to go in the bathroom stalls with Ruby so that she can pee too! Ruby gives her baths when I'm not looking (so I have to take her out of Ruby's arms at night to wash it!). And Baby can talk now - a very high-pitched, squeaky talk. Baby calls Ruby 'Mommy' and sometimes Ruby will call Baby 'Sister!' We were watching a movie with the kids one night and Ruby was getting a little scared... Jordan nudges me and Ruby has both of Baby's eyes covered while Ruby watches. She just loves her! How will we ever break her of this?! For now, it's pretty darn cute! Ruby knows her ABCs and can count almost to 20. She is still our little fashionista. We went shopping (but just for Jordan!) the other day and Ruby was very impressed with Old Navy's line of children's clothes! Ruby came out of the bedroom one day crying about her eye. She told me to take it out, told me she had a headache and she just kept carrying on. I had looked at her eye and it was a little red and I asked what was wrong and she just kept telling me to take it out. So after 10 minutes I laid her down and looked at it one more time. I moved the skin around the bottom of her eye and there was a sparkley sequin (about the size of a pinky-nail) made out of cardstock paper! Ruby had put it in her eye because she thought it would be pretty! I had to peel it out of her eye! Poor girl... that was what she wanted 'out'!

And Charlie is 18 months old now! I feel like he's been trying to cut some teeth for too long now! He is an amazing eater. Many times at dinner, he eats more than Jordan and I! Charlie loves sweets and is always dragging me to the kitchen to ask for more of something. He is a FLIRT! He's always playing around with his eyes like the girls did: rolling them, shutting them, batting them for dramatic effect! And it works! I'm in love! He also kisses us all day long, the girls included! Charlie also has this cute little walk that he does where he keeps his knees bent. He knows it makes us laugh but he does it even when he thinks no one is watching! He LOVES tools and helping his dad work and lately he has been getting into everything! I can hardly keep up with him. He is constantly on the go, taking things out of drawers and cupboards and finding new places for things. He's starting to say more words. He says all of our names plus 'grandma', 'more', 'eat', 'ew', 'natalie', 'ruby', 'gary', and other basics. He has said his name already, too which is soo cute! He picks on his sisters all the time and can hold his own when they pick on him. He is playful, he is fast, he can scream like a girl. Today he pulled me by my neck to kiss me on my mouth. Love. This. Boy!

Love. them. all.

twenty twelve

I'm one of those people who is always reflecting on things. I'm a ponderer and an analyzer. And each new year, it's like I need to sit down and put things down on paper (be it literal or cyber).

2011 was another incredible year! Natalie began this year as a little girl, Ruby, a toddler, and Charlie, a baby. And now Natalie is a preschooler, Ruby is no longer a toddler but a little girl, and Charlie is the toddler. Parenting is one of the most rewarding things in my life! These kids have made us so proud! They have learned and developed so much in this single year. They are also behaving better and showing signs of their maturity. I cherish the moments that we have had this year with them. We are sooo incredibly blessed.

Each day there are many choices to make but there are three decisions I made in 2011 that stand out to me. Choice 1: I decided (twice) to do a Beth Moore bible study. It seemed like an easy enough thing to do and an easy decision to make. And it is one that has brought me closer to the Lord. Choice 2: I made the decision to run a 25k (and Jordan made this decision as well). That was something that had seemed completely impossible to me. I truly believed that I was setting myself up for failure. There was no way I'd be able to do this. But I took it one day at a time and pushed myself further each day. It was never easy but always fulfulling. It brought me closer to the Lord, it disciplined me in many areas, it cleared my head, it gave me energy, it gave me alone time, it empowered me, and occasionally it gave me shin splints. But as you can see, the benefits outweighed the cost. And I completed a 25k race. Choice 3: was whether or not to go on the Guatemala mission trip. We did go and it was a life-changer. It brought me closer to the Lord, it was a time of some personal reflection, it was a time void of all fear, it is a highlight of my life. Once we returned home, we realized that there was no cost at all of going on the trip. All of the things we thought it would 'cost' for us to go were far outweighed by the benefits of going. All of these little decisions yeilded eternal results. And each of these things took some courage on my part. This courage resulted in opportunites to grow in my relationship with Christ.

This year gave way to some reality checks in the sense that the reality is the kingdom of God. My uncle Bern died this year and it was a reminder that we are not in control and we have no way of knowing when our time is up. But what we do know is that everyday counts, some things are deposits into the eternal reality.

So far this year, I've been doing some thinking about a resolution. In 2011, though it wasn't intentional, I was courageous in some things and what a thrill it was. So I've thought of some goals for 2012 that I want to accomplish and I'm going to evaluate them to see what is required of me.

Goals for 2012: to learn more about and grow in Christ, to sacrifice more of my time to my family to ensure that we are forming deep relationships with each other and with God, to be more generous with my time and money especially including random acts of kindness, to run 500 miles and to take better care of my body.

My overall resolution is to be intentional with how I use my time. To make my time count. To make time for devotions and prayer, to make time for Jordan and the kids, to make time for others, and to make time for myself as well. I'm going to have to be intentional about all of these things since they don't always happen on their own. Faith, family, and God's family are what I think my core values should be. If I discipline myself in doing what I can to take care of those most important things, then I'm hoping everything else on my self-improvement and to-do list will fall into place.

Happy New Year.